Rest in peace, Ravnie

The long goodbye is over.

On December 29, I sat down with Mom and Dad and let them know that I decided, with an extremely heavy heart, that Ravnie should be put down in January... that after the 15 cans of her prescription cat food run out, that will be the time to get it done. I wasn't ready to put her down right away... but if she lived through the middle of the month, then it in would be the time.

On Monday January 16th, somewhere in the 3pm hour, our beloved tuxedo cat Ravnie was put to rest. Mom went with Dad to take her to the vet, to see to it that she go peacefully.

It was the most hardest decision I had ever had to make in all my 31 years.... Ravnie would've been 18 human years old in February. Sis and I were 14, just finishing middle school when we got both cats... They were gifts for our graduation. They've been blessings...

There is something slightly comforting and yet really sickening to know which day a beloved pet will die. I kept telling myself, "I won't put her down, I'll take care of her until the end. Whatever it takes!" Because I wasn't ready to say goodbye yet. I loved her that much...

One saying goes, "If you love something, hang the HELL ONTO IT!" But not when a beloved animal is blind, deaf, confused and wondering where anybody is, and can't bathroom herself. And who knows how much pain she'd probably been in...

The only thing that seemed healthy was her appetite... she gobbled up her wet cat food and drank plenty water like always, but those alone are not indications of good health.

And taking care of her was slowly taking a toll on my health too. Both on me and my sister, who are primarily the ones taking care of her, except early in the morning when Mom is up, or late at night when Dad is... they've chimed in so that my sis and I could get somewhat adequate sleep. But because of the increasing additional care for Ravnie, involving a lot of bending down or squatting and straining my legs, I've gotten so tired all the time it's not even funny. I got several infections from sweating a lot from all the bending down, even when the weather is cold. I actually looked forward to sleeping, because I knew that was the only time I didn't have to worry about tending to Ravnie. I started dreading when Ravnie woke up, because it meant she needed something and I wouldn't be able to relax for the next hour or more. I couldn't live like this, but even MORE so, Ravnie sure as hell couldn't continue in the sorry state she was in for too much longer.

It took me many weeks, but I understand now why people have to put a pet to sleep... I couldn't understand it at first. Why say goodbye to a beloved animal in your family BEFORE their time comes? But it's not like she was going to get better. It's been torture for the last three months looking at her stumbling when she walks, walking in circles, struggling to stand when she ate, needing to be supported when she squatted to poop so she won't fall into the litter box, and looking around to see no one there, even when we're all there with her. And halfway through December, it got worse.

After her lunch and one last litter box time, Ravnie found her bed and already started lying in it... and we all broke into tears, because she was used to doing that and wanted to be tucked under her blanket. We took pictures. The blanket was placed inside the cat carrier. Dad suggested I cut a bit of her hair before the time came, and at first I didn't want to... But decided to after all, so I wouldn't regret it. Then came the moment I had to pick her up one more time to place her into the carrier... and I lost it. I hadn't even lifted her up, and I broke down hard. I needed to step away from the room for a moment before trying again, and then my sis and I petted her for one last time. Mom then told me and my sis to go to the hallway and close the door so that we won't see her being carried away. But when we heard the door shut, I thought I was going to die right then and there from my heart shattering into a million pieces, knowing the exact moment Ravnie left the house for good. It was 2:55pm. Sis and I have never hugged each other so tightly or cried so hard...

Right now... it hurts so much. Before, it was the very idea, and now the fact... of not having her around anymore because of a decision I made... that I needed to make. It was so much harder to make the decision to let my old cat go, than it was to abruptly end an almost 3-year online friendship with someone I lost respect for back in 2014.

I have to tell myself... we have to tell ourselves, that it was done out of all of our love for her ... that we finally end her suffering, as well as our suffering feeling so sorry for her. But now, we are feeling so sorry for Kallie.

Kallie will be with us for a while longer, though we don't know how much time she has with us. She's visibly affected by Ravnie's loss... walking around meowing loudly for her and looking everywhere for her, and not sleeping as much. The sound she makes is terrible and mournful. It's heartbreaking because they were litter-mates for almost 18 years... and now that that her sister is gone, she's especially gotten super clingy and hates to be alone now. Even if they hadn't slept in the same bed for along time, just knowing Ravnie was around or nearby brought her some comfort.

For now, she only has a little limping, but that might change... hopefully not too soon. At least from this point on, more of our energy can be used toward giving attention to Kallie and Lexi. But especially to Kallie.

Ravnie lived into the new year... and she gave us her presence all these almost 18 years and allowed us to continue caring for her past New Year's Day and past my parents anniversary this January. So the least that we could give her was a peaceful send-off into the next realm. It ends the misery we're sure she had, and it helps us knowing she'll no longer suffer.

I'm sorry this Journal is so long... So much has been going on, and at this point just writing a Status would have been insufficient to describe how things have been. Only now I've gotten into a good enough state of mind to get on my computer for a little bit to do this. I promise I'll catch up on everyone's Journals and replies next week. 

Right now it hurts so much being without Ravnie, but we're going to be okay...

~ ZeroFangirl-Mu