Rest in peace, Koko

I apologize for another very long and emotional Journal. I haven't been very active here lately...

My family lost our precious dog early Wednesday morning, on December 17th. Apparently, she had a tumor that bled out into her heart sac. It was affecting her lungs too, and her breathing became labored from time to time. There was nothing that could be done.  

She seemed fine just two weeks before. Then when for several days she'd barely eat the dry dog food she usually gobbled up, we knew something was very wrong. I thought it was related to her stomach, like an obstruction or blockage of some sort, but then her breathing was noticeably different in a bad way, on the 8th and 9th.

It's funny... not in the haha way, but a couple of Journals ago, I talked about how we wouldn't know what bright times were if we didn't have dark times, and that life is ups and downs and such. And then THIS.

Basically, the past week was spent saying goodbye to her. Not even 7 days after we found out what was wrong. X-rays a showed an abnormally large heart, with fluid build-up around it, and her lungs were at less capacity. We were contemplating having her put down, but you have to be very ready for that sort of thing, and it killed me to even think about it. I was grateful that though she had to mention it, the veterinarian didn't push euthanasia on us. They kept Koko overnight and drained the build-up (finding it was blood), and we were given medicine to help her control/slow down the bleeding and alleviate some pain, but it only bought her a little more time with us. The vet put her on wet food, and she ate it so well! It helped masking the two capsules of medicine she needed to take twice a day.

I took so many pictures of her with my phone during her last days, about a hundred pictures or more. I have them all backed up into my computer, flash drive and external Terabyte hard drive. I knew since last Thursday Koko was really dying, but I had to wait until Sunday to tell my sister. She had an important re-take of her certification exam early Saturday from 8am to 2am, and we had plans to see Big Hero 6 (GO SEE IT!!!) and then stay up late to see a new Full Metal Alchemist movie. Then the next day, we spent some time with Koko outside, and after I took some nice pictures of Sis with Koko, I let her know about what was really happening to her (except about the tumor, until the morning Koko became at peace), and that we weren't sure how much longer she had. As expected, she didn't take it well, but she thanked me for waiting to tell her after her exam.

I captured a few short videos of her, as my sister did too. Sis also took pictures of me with Koko. We're planning on making a compilation of videos and pictures of her, like I did with our other dog Ruby. I haven't come up with any composed music for it yet though. But doing a project like that before helped me cope with losing Ruby, even when it was painful at times to work on it and see all the pictures again. This time it will be different now that I have some video footage too. I'm no film director, but I know a thing or two with some editing, and it may take months to get this done near-perfectly, but I need to do it.

On her last day with us, I didn't take any pictures, but I just really focused on feeling her fur, showing her affection and really taking in how it was like to still have her. She did what she always does and put one of her front paws on my lap. Then the other one. She always did that whenever she wanted attention, but I think she could tell I was upset because my face was red and wet with tears. Later that day I attended the wrap/viewing party for the 25- minute short film I worked on in October, and Sis was able to spend a little time alone with Koko for a while, not knowing she would slip away later that night. None of us knew she would until our Dad found her.

I was up at 8am to give her breakfast and another dose of the medicine, but Dad got to me before I opened the can of dog food, giving me a big hug and telling me I didn't have to worry about her anymore...

It hurts... it hurts so much. You think you'd have at least 15 years with a dog, and then they're snatched away at 9 years, so soon. Too soon. No one is ever prepared to lose a dear animal friend and companion, at ANY time. It's like losing a baby. Animals are pretty much babies at any age.

I'm going to miss her wild sprints around the yard, her funny yawns, the way she looks at me  when she stretched, giving her belly rubs and shoulder rubs, hearing her bark in her sleep, her attempts to hump my leg (yes, even though she's a girl, maybe something she learned at the shelter where we got her), her playful "put 'em up!" jumps with her paws up, her scratching her back by rolling onto her back and rubbing on the concrete, her rolling around in the grass, her eating grass not from being sick but just because she likes it, the way part of her upper lip rises when she smells a tasty treat, the way she'd gnaw on a rope chew toy, and I'll even miss picking up her big poopsies.

I have a couple of scars caused from her toenail, one on my left forearm and another on my right index finger. And every time I look at them, I think of her.

My sister and I have been crying and comforting each other, and our parents have been comforting us too during this difficult time so close to the holidays. We will get through this loss eventually, but it is going hurt for a very long time.

Cherish your pets, every moment with them...


~~~ZeroFangirl-Mu